*Oompa Loompas finish their song*
*Miami Marlins and Philadelphia Phillies go down a chute or get rolled out of the room or whatever*
Craig: “Well, well, well, Two naughty, nasty little baseball teams gone… twenty-eight good, sweet little baseball teams left. Well, we must be going. There’s so much time and so little to do!
“Wait! Strike that! Reverse it! Here are the scores. Here are the highlights!”
Nationals 6, Blue Jays 4: Starlin Castro went 4-for-5 and scored twice, Carter Kieboom reached base four times — he’s reached base six straight plate appearances overall — and scored twice, Michael Taylor hit a two-run jack and Kurt Suzuki drove in a couple himself. Five of the Nats’ six runs came off of Hyun-Jin Ryu. But hey, if he wanted to he could pitch the Blue Jays’ next game seeing as though they — and the Nationals too — have to take four days off because of the Marlins and Phillies clusterscrump.
Yankees 8, Orioles 6: Baltimore led 6-5 heading into the top of the ninth. Was this the time?! Were the O’s finally gonna beat the Yankees?!
I mean, it was going to be something — the O’s just can’t beat the Yankees — so it may as well be something as pretty as a three-run homer for Aaron Judge. Getting beat by some half-assed rally fueled by relative nobodies would be nowhere as near a noble death as having the opponent’s champion dispatching you. Movies have taught me this.
Indians 2, Twins 0: Cleveland has gotten itself some damn starting pitching lately. Here it was ace Shane Bieber tossing eight shutout innings, allowing only three hits, striking out 13, and not walking a soul. Francisco Lindor supplied all the offense with a two-run homer. In other news, how’s that “digitally put fans in the stands” thing going, Fox?
It's 2020, yet find ourselves having to preach common sense to spectators.
We understand and appreciate your passion, but please don't EVER make contact with a player.
We have to do better than this. 😡 pic.twitter.com/bnMDuftbF5
— Cleveland Indians (@Indians) July 31, 2020
Red Sox 4, Mets 2: Christian Vázquez homered twice and drove in three and Martín Pérez was passable for a Boston pitcher these days. ‘Twas enough. ‘Twill serve. The win aside, the Red Sox still objectively stink, but if the season ended today they’d have the eighth and final playoff spot in the American League. Ask me if I like the expanded playoffs. Go ahead, ask me.
Braves 2, Rays 1: The Braves have some starting pitching problems but Max Fried isn’t one of the problems. He retired the first 14 batters he faced last night and in the end allowed only one run while working into the seventh inning, striking out seven and made two Braves runs hold up against a very good Rays team. The Braves and Rays split their four-game home-and-home series. Or, maybe, the Rays swept a two-game series at home and the Braves swept a two-game series at home? How we scoring that this year, fellas?
Royals 5, Tigers 3: Miguel Cabrera hit two homers — what year is it?! — but Whit Merrifield scored on Salvador Perez‘s grounder to break a 2-2 tie in the seventh, Bubba Starling hit a two-run double in the eighth, and Trevor Rosenthal locked it down with a save. Which, again, makes me ask “what year is it?!” In the event, it was Miggy’s first multi-homer game since Barack Obama was president and Rosenthal’s first save since 2017.
Dodgers 6, Diamondbacks 3: A.J. Pollock and Corey Seager hit early home runs to help stake the Dodgers to a 4-0 lead and Max Muncy added another one later for some insurance. The Dodgers have won three straight and seem to be coming around after an uneven opening series against the Giants.
Mariners 8, Angels 5: José Marmolejos hit a three-run shot in the first inning — his first homer ever — and Shed Long Jr. homered as well. Marco Gonzalez gave the M’s a strong start, allowing three runs — two earned — while pitching into the seventh. Reliever Dan Altavilla came into a six-run game in the ninth and it ended as a three-run game thanks to a three-run homer from Shohei Ohtani, but a win’s a win when you’re the Mariners. Or I suppose anyone else.
Padres 12, Giants 7: The Giants trailed 6-1 heading into the seventh. They scored three in that inning and then Mike Yastrzemski tripled home a run in the eighth and then scored on a Donovan Solano sac fly to tie the game. What a comeback! On to extra innings we go. Giants fans who may have not seen the game will want to scroll down to the song lyrics for the Cubs-Reds rainout now, because this one got ugly!
Tyler Rogers started the inning for San Francisco. He walked a guy, gave up a single to Tommy Pham which scored the runner on second, and then literally hit poor Jurickson Profar in the junk. Rogers then gave up two more singles, which plated three more Padres runners, after which he was visited by the pitching coach. And then immediately after which Gabe Kapler came to remove him from the game. Rogers got all the way back to the dugout before the umps called him back and said he had to keep pitching because a manager cannot take a pitcher out of the game immediately after a previous mound visit if no pitches have been thrown. Illegal pitching change. Rogers goes back in and gives up a run scoring bunt. After that he was finally removed properly, the next pitcher came in and gave up one more run and the Giants were down 12-6.
They’d get one back in the bottom of the tenth but, boy howdy, when you lose an extra innings game by five runs you know something went sideways.
In other news, Profar had quite a night. He hit a two-run homer, smacked an RBI single, AND provided us with a visual representation of the year 2020:
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) July 31, 2020
Phillies vs. Yankees; Marlins vs. Orioles — POSTPONED
Cubs vs. Reds — POSTPONED:
There’s a storm outside
And the gap between crack and thunder
Crack and thunder
Is closing in
Is closing in
The rain floods gutters
And makes a great sound on concrete
On a flat roof, there’s a boy
Leaning against a wall of rain
Aerial held high
Calling “Come on thunder
Come on thunder!”