Rafael Palmeiro thinks he can throw a football over them mountains

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Never underestimate the confidence and ego of a professional athlete, current or former.

Rafael Palmeiro, who last played in 2005 and then retired in ignominy following one of the sport’s first positive PED tests, told Ken Rosenthal of The Athletic that he is thinking about trying to return to the majors at age 53. Palmeiro:

“There’s no doubt in my mind I can do it,” Palmeiro said. “I’ve taken care of myself really well. I’ve been working out for years.”

This quote is perfection in that it’s very close to the words Uncle Rico used in “Napoleon Dynamite,” when he claimed that, if “Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would’ve been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.”

No word if Palmeiro, who played one night with the independent Sugar Land Skeeters in 2015, can throw a baseball over them mountains. Or if he has investigated the use of a time machine to make things different than they once were.

OK, easy jokes aside, it’s clear that Palmeiro still stings from the bad exit he took from Major League Baseball and the negativity that has surrounded his legacy ever since. I sympathize with him on all of that, actually. No, he did not cover himself in glory thanks to that famous video of him pointing his finger at members of Congress and stridently claiming that he had never taken PEDs, mere weeks before testing positive for PEDs. But he likewise has taken way more heat for his PED rap sheet than a lot of other players, largely because he was among the first and largely because people really get off on schadenfreude. He was considered a shoe-in Hall of Famer one moment and was public enemy number one moments later. Even if he brought that on himself, it’s gotta be hard to deal with.

None of which is to say that his comeback dreams make any kind of logical sense. They don’t, not in any way. But it’s clear that the guy left baseball in a way he didn’t want to and that even over a decade later it’s still hard for him.

I dunno. If this doesn’t work, maybe he can sell plasticware or breast enhancements or something. Just be careful of selling it to the wives of any Rex Kwan Do self-defense system instructors. I hear their roundhouse kicks are pretty wicked.

Houston’s Yordan Alvarez leaves game with ankle discomfort

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HOUSTON — Houston slugger Yordan Alvarez left the Astros’ game against the Arizona Diamondbacks in the fifth inning with left ankle discomfort.

Alvarez, who is tied for second in the American League with 37 home runs, rolled his ankle running out of the box on a single in the first inning.

He looked to be in some pain as he jogged to first base and was checked on briefly by manager Dusty Baker and a trainer before remaining in the game. Serving as the designated hitter, he struck out in the third inning before being replaced by pinch-hitter David Hensley for his at-bat in the fifth.