The Washington Nationals create a “gathering spot for Millennials”

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Condescending to Millennials is a very popular pastime these days. There are tens of millions of them in this country, coming from every single race, ethnicity, religion and socioeconomic background imaginable, and they hold any manner of social, political and ethical views you can think of. But in the minds of the Business and Marketing Industrial Complex, they’re all basically the same group of white upper middle class kids holding iPhones and being narcissistic in some way.

This is understandable. High-Minded ThinkPieces about Millennials are very popular lately. They’re hard enough to write as it is, but they’d be nearly impossible to write if you had to see the subjects you’re trying to describe as a diverse blob of millions of different people as opposed to one easily pigeonholed group of cliches. Much better to just ignorantly generalize.

Which brings us to the Nationals. Who are doing this:

I don’t know how they’re going to ensure that Millennials will hang out there given that, according to the ThinkPieces, they only drink obscure craft beer and hate baseball. Odds are that that deck is gonna be filled with the same white New Balance-wearing Baby Boomers who think they’re being fancy by ordering a Blue Moon that hang out all over the rest of the ballpark. Maybe some of my aging fellow Gen-Xers and I will show up our flannel shirts, channeling Chandler Bing by saying things like “could Jayson Werth BE any more useless?!” But Millennials? Pfft! They’re probably gonna be off in their safe spaces someplace, not watching a baseball game.

Wait! That’s it! They should call it “The Washington Nationals Budweiser Millennial Safe Place.” It’ll be perfect! And they can rename the level right above it the “Helicopter Deck” for their parents. With whom they live and who take them to the game because every single 18-35-year-old in the country lives with their parents as they’re too entitled to bother paying their own way.

See? This stuff is easy.