The Brewers will hold a Hank the Dog Conspiracy Theory press conference tomorrow

5 Comments

Last week we linked to a compelling and gripping story about a conspiracy that reaches to the highest levels of the . . . well, not the government or anything, but the Milwaukee Brewers. Which is basically the same thing.

The theory: that their beloved unofficial mascot Hank the Dog, who wandered as a stray into their spring training complex in Phoenix two years ago and quickly won the hearts of Brewers fans everywhere, has been replaced. Maybe he’s even dead! It’s not clear, but the Brew Crew Ball blog gave us all of the information that it could find on this sinister (alleged) plot and vowed to get to the bottom of it even if it meant their deaths.

Well, maybe not that far, but they were totally going to get to the bottom of it.

Now, under the intense pressure that only the most intrepid and committed stay-at-home baseball bloggers can bring to bear, the Brewers have cracked:

If this goes like most conspiracies go everyone in a position to know The Truth about all of this will be dead or disappeared by morning. But we have to give credit to the Brewers for at least going through the motions here, right? Maybe we’ll actually get some answers tomorrow.

Until then, we’ll be contending with people who think this is all nonsense and that having fun with such things is beneath them:

In other news, that reporter’s own newspaper has a dedicated URL page in which its numerous Hank the Dog stories are stored. Maybe only credentialed members of the Serious Sporting Press are allowed to have fun with stray dogs that turn into mascots. Maybe there’s an unwritten rule of baseball I’m missing which states that it’s impermissible to have some harmless fun at the outset of a season in which your team is probably gonna lose 96 games. Who knows?

In any event, we will update you once the Brewers come clean and admit that Hank has been kidnapped by nihilists or that he had to go back to his home planet which needs him or that the Trilateral Commission, in conjunction with the Reverse Vampires, have actually just induced a mass hallucination on us all via water fluoridation or what have you.

Tyler Glasnow scheduled to rejoin Rays’ rotation

Jonathan Dyer-USA TODAY Sports
0 Comments

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — Tampa Bay Rays right-hander Tyler Glasnow is scheduled to rejoin the rotation at Cleveland after missing nearly 14 months because of Tommy John surgery.

The Rays’ Opening Day starter last year hasn’t pitched this season after undergoing the procedure on Aug. 4, 2021.

“I think we’re pretty confident he’ll be starting for us,” Tampa Bay manager Kevin Cash said before the game with Toronto. “This is the first time he’s thrown pain-free in quite some time, so he’s encouraged by it.”

The 6-foot-8 right-hander went 5-2 with a 2.66 ERA in 14 starts last year and is a key addition as the Rays near a wild-card spot.

“Compared to the past, like, three years it feels way better as far as postday and the week leading into starts and stuff,” Glasnow said. “It’s good to have an UCL, you know.”

Cash said Glasnow will throw around 45 pitches in his initial outing, which should allow him to go two or three innings.

“Two innings of Glasnow is still a huge plus for our team,” Cash said. “Like to get three innings. If we do, great. If we don’t, that’s fine, too.”

Glasnow allowed one run, one hit, four walks and had 14 strikeouts over seven innings in four starts with Triple-A Durham.

“I’m really excited,” Glasnow said. “I’m approaching it like normal, staying on routine. Feels normal.”

Glasnow signed a two-year, $30.35 million contract that will delay the start of his free agency by one year last month. He’s making $5.1 million this year and will get $5.35 million next season and $25 million in 2024, which is the first year he would have been eligible for free agency.