End Times are Nigh: Bartolo Colon just hit a double and then scored on another double

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One of the more amusing things to happen this season is to have Bartolo Colon back in the National League, where he gets a shot to bat on the regs. It’s a beautiful thing. He obviously has no clue what he’s doing at the plate but likewise does not seem to mind too much. It’s mostly some flailing, a lot of smiling and, fairly often, his helmet falling off as he swings.

But a few moments ago something amazing happened: Bartolo Colon got a hit. And not just any hit, a double. A standup double in which he trotted into second as if he gets there every day. And then the very next batter — Eric Young — doubled and Colon came around to score. And he lived to tell the tale and everything.

The last time Colon got a hit was in an interleague game for the Angels back in 2005. That was the year he won the Cy Young Award, so a lot of good things were happening for him back then. It had been fewer than 30 plate appearances between then and today, but still. A near-decade is a near-decade. Also: he’s been around for way longer than a decade and this was his first extra base hit in 122 at bats.

We’ll post video when it’s available.

Hanley Ramirez is not actually under federal and state investigation

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On Friday, it was reported that free agent Hanley Ramirez was under federal and state investigation, though no one knew for what, exactly. Michele McPhee of ABC News said, “Obviously I know absolutely nothing about sports or Hanley Ramirez’s stats, but what I do know is crime. And there has been some reports about a FaceTime phone call that was made between a man during a car stop. After that car stop, police recovered a significant amount of drugs. And during that car stop, the suspect claimed that one of the items found in the vehicle belonged to Hanley Ramirez and then FaceTimed [Ramirez] in front of police. And that car stop coordinated with the timing of his release from the Red Sox.”

The suspect was reportedly transporting 435 grams of fentanyl and a “large amount” of crack cocaine. But it turns out that Ramirez’s name only got mentioned because the suspect was hoping to avoid arrest. Ramirez is not actually under investigation, Shelley Murphy and Evan Allen of the Boston Globe report.

The attorney of the suspect said that his client grew up in the Dominican Republic with Ramirez and used the former Red Sox DH’s name “to get the cops off his back, which didn’t work.” During the traffic stop, a trooper asked permission to open a brown cardboard box found in the rear cargo area of the suspect’s jeep. The suspect said the box contained books, shipped to him by Ramirez’s mother to deliver to Ramirez in Boston. The suspect FaceTimed Ramirez to back up his story, but Ramirez said he wasn’t aware that the suspect was on his way to visit. Ramirez gave permission to the trooper to open the box. He did, and found a gift bag with two kilograms of fentanyl. The suspect was arrested on drug trafficking charges.

Ramirez, 34, hit a disappointing .254/.313/.395 with six home runs and 29 RBI in 195 plate appearances for the Red Sox before being designated for assignment on May 25 and released on June 1. The Red Sox maintain that Ramirez’s release had nothing to do with anything off-the-field.