Marlins interested in “proven run-producer” Juan Uribe

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At this point almost any story about the Marlins can be spun into laughs, but this one from Joe Frisaro of MLB.com legitimately made me chuckle:

The team has already reached out to Juan Uribe to play either third base or first. A proven run producer, Uribe brings leadership to the table, and he is playoff-proven.

That’s a lot of proven in one man!

Also, just for the record: Uribe has never driven in more than 85 runs in a season, he’s topped 75 RBIs just once in 13 seasons, and this year he had 50 RBIs in 132 games for the Dodgers. He’s also a career .214 hitter with a .619 OPS in 40 playoff games. Proven!

Ichiro wore a fake mustache to sneak into the Mariners’ dugout

Associated Press
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Ichiro Suzuki is now a Mariners employee and, as such, he’s not allowed to sit in the dugout during a game. That’s for coaches and players only.

He knows that, too. Indeed, on the day Ichiro announced his sorta-retirement, he talked about how it was going to be hard not to be down on the field with the other players. He even made a ridiculous joke about how, “[he] can’t say for certain that maybe [he] won’t put on a beard and glasses and be like Bobby Valentine and be in the dugout.”

In related news, this mysterious stranger was seen by an Associated Press photographer in the Mariners dugout during the first couple of innings of the M’s-Yankees game:

(AP Photo/Bill Kostroun)

No beard, but I guess that joke was not very ridiculous after all. Either way, by the end of the second inning — poof — he was gone.

Obviously, when something interesting like this happens you mustache an expert for their opinion on the matter. To that end, the Associated Press reached Bobby Valentine, who famously did the same thing after an ejection way back in 1999, for comment:

“He was perfect. I never would have known it was him.”

Valentine was suspended for two games and fined $5,000. I’m assuming Ichiro won’t get hit quite as hard given that he wasn’t defying an umpire’s authority, but even if he does have to pay a fine, he’ll likely do so willingly.