Must-Click Link: The Epic Story of Johnny Damon’s Attempt to Throw a Ball to Home Plate

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If you’re one of those people who like to post comments after non-newsy articles saying “slow news day, huh?” you’ll just want to move along and not read this.

If, however, you are into epic tales of weak-armed outfielders like Johnny Damon, vainly attempting to throw runners out at home plate, this bit of genius from Jon Bois might be up your alley. I’ll give you only the conclusion. The corpus of the stories has to be read in its entirety:

And that is the story of every Johnny Damon throw from the outfield. It’s sure to involve bears, goblins, civil uprisings, spacecraft, underwater observatories, love, hate, revenge, sword fights atop city skyscrapers, fear, hope, and ultimately, dread.

In other words, everything can and will happen. Except for actually throwing the runner out.

And every fan of every team knows of one outfielder who could easily be substituted into that story. Mostly Johnny Damon, but there are some other guys too.

Pirates acquire Erik González from Indians

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The Pirates announced on Wednesday that the club acquired infielder Erik González along with minor league pitchers Tahnaj Thomas and Dante Mendoza in exchange for outfielder Jordan Luplow and infielder Max Moroff.

González, 27, is quite versatile, having played all four infield positions as well as both outfield corners. He has just a .681 career OPS across 275 plate appearances in the big leagues, though. González will provide infield depth for the Pirates, who are losing Josh Harrison and Jordy Mercer.

Thomas, 19, completed his second season at rookie ball. He pitched 19 2/3 innings, yielding 10 earned runs on 13 hits and 10 walks with 27 strikeouts.

Mendoza, 19, also just completed his second season at rookie ball. The right-hander pitched 37 1/3 innings, allowing 19 earned runs on 33 hits and 20 walks with 37 strikeouts.

Luplow, 25, has played 64 games in the big leagues as an outfielder, mustering a paltry .644 OPS in 190 plate appearances.

Moroff, 25, has played second base, third base, and short stop in the majors. He carries a career .625 OPS in 209 trips to the plate.