Ozzie Guillen said some Ozzie Guillen-type things in Esquire

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Esquire magazine has a regular feature called “What I’ve Learned” in which they ask people for words of wisdom and their latest subject is White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who predictably provided plenty of amusing quotes.

For instance, about his wife:

What attracted me to my wife is she’s hot. She’s also nice, she’s a great mom — but that comes after she’s hot.

I tell my kids all the time: When you’re about to do something stupid, think about your mom. Why? Because she’s the one that’s gonna suffer inside.

Or about ESPN Chicago beat reporter Doug Padilla:

We had this media guy, Padilla. He was eating a cheeseburger during the game. I saw him while I was managing. I grabbed the phone, called the PR department, and said, “Doug, you’re gonna choke on that f***ing cheeseburger.” Then I hung up. People wonder, How the f*** did you see him? But I see everything.

And my personal favorite:

A lot of people think I dye my hair. No, I don’t give a f***.

He’s the best.

Texas Rangers ink free-agent ace Jacob deGrom to 5-year deal

Jacob deGrom
USA Today
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ARLINGTON, Texas — Free-agent ace Jacob deGrom and the Texas Rangers agreed to a five-year contract Friday.

The two-time Cy Young Award winner leaves the New York Mets after nine seasons — the past two shortened by injuries.

After making his first start last season in early August, deGrom went 5-4 with a 3.08 ERA. He helped the Mets reach the playoffs, then opted out of his contract to become a free agent.

Texas announced the signing Friday night after the 34-year-old deGrom passed his physical.