Bonds Trial Update: What’s an orchidometer?

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If you haven’t come up with a good name for fantasy team yet, it may be helpful for you to know what an orchidometer is.  According to testimony in the Barry Bonds trial yesterday, it’s a medical instrument used to measure testicles. Yes, that’s a picture of one.

You’re welcome.

The existence of orchidometers was explained to the jury by Larry Bowers of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency as a means of creating a medical foundation for Kimberly Bell — Bonds’ ex-girlfriend — who will testify next week about Bonds’ alleged shriveling berries. I would not be at all shocked if Bell was handed one of these things on the stand next week. It could very well be the “if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit” moment of the Bonds trial.  Or at least I’m hoping against hope it is because that post and three dozen others afterwards would write themselves.

Anyway, Bowers explained other steroids side effects too in anticipation of hat size and shoe size testimony. Not that he was unscathed on these topics: under cross examination he admitted that there really are hardly any controlled scientific studies of these things — doctors have ethical problems with doping otherwise healthy people to find out the side effects — but that tests on baboons and anecdotal evidence of East German athletes bear it out. Oh, and of course we have a good decade’s worth of “just look at the size of his head!” baloney from sportswriters pretending that they know the first thing about performance enhancing drugs.

I still don’t understand why Bonds’ lawyers didn’t — on Day One — say “yes, Barry Bonds took steroids. He was unaware of it at the time, but by the time the BALCO investigation made the news, he got a clue.”  Doing so would be wholly consistent with his grand jury testimony as I read it. It would also preempt and make irrelevant all of this talk of his hat size, shoe size and — most importantly — his testicles.  It just seems to me that if the defense is trying to make the case that no, Barry Bonds didn’t ever take steroids, they’re going lose on that point. I read “Game of Shadows.” To deny that Bonds took steroids is to live in fantasy land. They should keep this a case about lying under oath, not drug use.

But then again, if they did that, we wouldn’t have learned what an orchidometer is. And now that I have that knowledge, I really don’t want to go back to a world in which I didn’t.

Andrew Cashner might not see another start in 2018

Andrew Cashner
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Time is running out for Orioles right-hander Andrew Cashner to make a comeback this fall, and Roch Kubatko of MASNsports.com reports that he may not make it back to the mound before the regular season comes to a close next weekend. Cashner is still dealing with a lingering bout of bursitis in his left knee and was forced to miss his scheduled start against the Blue Jays on Monday. As no timetable has been given for his return to the rotation, it seems increasingly likely that he’ll be kept on the shelf until spring.

It’s been an up-and-down year for the 32-year-old righty, who has also missed some playing time after sustaining a neck strain and low back pain. After inking a two-year, $16 million deal with the Orioles back in February, he pitched to a 4-15 record in 28 starts with a career-worst 5.29 ERA, 3.8 BB/9, and 5.8 SO/9 through 153 innings. By the time he was sidelined with swelling and chronic pain in his knee, he’d already taken five straight losses, the last of which was an eight-run, one-strikeout affair against the Athletics that lasted only two innings.

The silver lining: It doesn’t look like Cashner’s knee problems will require any intensive treatment — he’s already received a cortisone injection to treat the problem areas — though there’s no reason for the Orioles to push him to make a quick recovery with the way their season is going. Following their 10-8 loss to the Yankees on Friday, the team will enter Saturday’s game with a 44-109 record, the worst in the majors.