In Missouri, opium not as bad as steroids

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Let this be a lesson to you children: If you take steroids, you will never have a highway named after you.

In the wake of Mark McGwire’s admission that he took performance enhancing drugs, the Missouri Senate has decided that the stretch of I-70 in St. Louis – which runs near a stadium named after a beer company, by the way – should no longer be known as Mark McGwire Highway.

The bill, which would also name sections of other highways after noted (and presumably non-doping) Missourians, was passed by unanimous vote on Monday. It will now move to the House to waste yet more taxpayer dollars.

The hard part of this whole endeavor, of course, will be deciding whose names to put on all these highways.

Republican Sen. Kurt Schaefer of Columbia asked if those getting the honors were alive or dead. Schaefer says it might be wise to name roads only for the deceased, because they can’t do something worth changing the name over one day.

So there is a ray of hope for McGwire should he turn his life around in his remaining days on Earth. It’s also a practical plan, as dead people rarely go out of their way to ruin reputations, including their own.

The Senate proposes that the McGwire Highway should instead be named after Mark Twain, the legendary and beloved writer who was … ummm … also known to … err … frequent opium dens in San Francisco.

*Awkward silence*

Uh oh. Crap. Now what? Don’t tell anyone about that.

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David Price exits start with flu-like symptoms

David Price
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Red Sox southpaw David Price was lifted in the first inning of Saturday’s game against the Astros. While there was some initial concern that he might have trigged the elbow tendinitis that has been affecting him lately, manager Alex Cora was quick to clarify the situation as the result of “flu-like symptoms.”

Price pitched just 2/3 of an inning, inducing a first-pitch fly out from Aledmys Díaz, striking out Alex Bregman, and allowing a single to Michael Brantley before making his departure from the mound. He was replaced by rookie right-hander Colten Brewer.

Barring further complications, Price will likely stay on track to make his next scheduled start during the Red Sox’ upcoming road trip. Entering Saturday’s match-up, the 33-year-old lefty carried a 2-2 record in seven starts with a 3.29 ERA, 2.2 BB/9, and 10.1 SO/9 across 41 innings in 2019.

Following Price’s removal, the Red Sox are still tied 0-0 with the Astros in the fifth.