Diamondbacks rookie Zavada named 'Mustached American of the Year'

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Diamondbacks reliever Clay Zavada recently won an award, but surprisingly it wasn’t for posting a 3.35 ERA, 52/24 K/BB ratio, and .236 opponents’ batting average in 51 innings as a rookie this season.
Instead, he’s been named “Mustached American of the Year” by the American Mustache Institute. Seriously.
Other finalists included US Airways captain Sully Sullenberger and Cardinals shortstop Brendan Ryan, but as you can see Zavada’s “dapper, trademark handlebar mustache” proved to be unbeatable.
Here’s part of Zavada’s acceptance speech, which he gave while wearing a crown in front of John Oates and 1,000 other people who weren’t in Hall & Oates:

I am humbled that so many people in America care about mustaches and have been amazed at all of the support I’ve gotten, especially from my grandma who was really fired up about me winning.

To which CBS News reporter Bill Geist responded, “Kayne West was right.” Again, seriously.

Ichiro wore a fake mustache to sneak into the Mariners’ dugout

Associated Press
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Ichiro Suzuki is now a Mariners employee and, as such, he’s not allowed to sit in the dugout during a game. That’s for coaches and players only.

He knows that, too. Indeed, on the day Ichiro announced his sorta-retirement, he talked about how it was going to be hard not to be down on the field with the other players. He even made a ridiculous joke about how, “[he] can’t say for certain that maybe [he] won’t put on a beard and glasses and be like Bobby Valentine and be in the dugout.”

In related news, this mysterious stranger was seen by an Associated Press photographer in the Mariners dugout during the first couple of innings of the M’s-Yankees game:

(AP Photo/Bill Kostroun)

No beard, but I guess that joke was not very ridiculous after all. Either way, by the end of the second inning — poof — he was gone.

Obviously, when something interesting like this happens you mustache an expert for their opinion on the matter. To that end, the Associated Press reached Bobby Valentine, who famously did the same thing after an ejection way back in 1999, for comment:

“He was perfect. I never would have known it was him.”

Valentine was suspended for two games and fined $5,000. I’m assuming Ichiro won’t get hit quite as hard given that he wasn’t defying an umpire’s authority, but even if he does have to pay a fine, he’ll likely do so willingly.