And That Happened: Thursday's scores and recaps

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Red Sox 3, Twins 1:
Varitek homers twice and gets run for getting up in the ump’s face
arguing balls and strikes. I can’t criticize him; I like to go home
early on days on which I get a lot done too. Mike Redmond, Terry
Francona and Ron Gardenhire were also ejected, and I picture all four
of them pounding the Budweiser together while watching the rest of the
game on a plasma TV in one of the clubhouses. Oh, and the Captain is
now at .248/.320/.541, which is more than respectable for a guy who was
basically in a coffin this time last year.

Indians 2, Rays 1:
The Rays were just swept 4-0 by one of the five or six worst teams in
baseball, which I think relieves us all of the obligation of pretending
they are one of the five or six best, as we have been since
last year. And it could have been worse: thanks to a nearly three-hour
rain delay, the Rays were spared from further embarrassment at the
hands of a rookie starting pitcher who had an ERA of 17.55 entering the
game. As it was, young David Huff shut Tampa Bay down for four innings,
with a random assemblage of Cleveland’s bullpen fodder coming in to
finish off the job.

Orioles 5, Tigers 1:
Let the record reflect that on this night, Greg Zaun joined (1) Chuck
Diering; (2) Mark Belanger; and (3) the Earth, without form and void
and darkness upon the face of the deep, as the last things which
preceded an appearance of God in Baltimore.

Dodgers 2, Cubs 1:
Another day, another multi-hit game for Juan Pierre. Randy Wolf was the
real story, though, as he goes seven strong innings giving up a single
run. The bullpen got out of a bases loaded jam in the ninth to preserve
the win. Bobby Scales was sent down to Iowa on Wednesday and called
back up yesterday because Ryan Freel went on the DL. Despite being
jerked around, dude hit a homer, so the fairy tale continues.

Diamondbacks 5, Braves 2:
Danny Haren allowed two runs and seven hits in eight innings, striking
out eight and now has a K/BB ratio of 71/9 on the season. He’s pretty
good.

Ichiro wore a fake mustache to sneak into the Mariners’ dugout

Associated Press
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Ichiro Suzuki is now a Mariners employee and, as such, he’s not allowed to sit in the dugout during a game. That’s for coaches and players only.

He knows that, too. Indeed, on the day Ichiro announced his sorta-retirement, he talked about how it was going to be hard not to be down on the field with the other players. He even made a ridiculous joke about how, “[he] can’t say for certain that maybe [he] won’t put on a beard and glasses and be like Bobby Valentine and be in the dugout.”

In related news, this mysterious stranger was seen by an Associated Press photographer in the Mariners dugout during the first couple of innings of the M’s-Yankees game:

(AP Photo/Bill Kostroun)

No beard, but I guess that joke was not very ridiculous after all. Either way, by the end of the second inning — poof — he was gone.

Obviously, when something interesting like this happens you mustache an expert for their opinion on the matter. To that end, the Associated Press reached Bobby Valentine, who famously did the same thing after an ejection way back in 1999, for comment:

“He was perfect. I never would have known it was him.”

Valentine was suspended for two games and fined $5,000. I’m assuming Ichiro won’t get hit quite as hard given that he wasn’t defying an umpire’s authority, but even if he does have to pay a fine, he’ll likely do so willingly.