Everything you wanted to know about baseball’s unwritten rules. And lots of stuff you don’t.

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ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian has an epic-length treatment of baseball’s unwritten rules. Unlike a lot of treatments of the topic, however, he doesn’t just list them and explain them as if they just are. He gets tons of players on record about them, and it makes for a wildly entertaining read.

The thing I find the most fascinating is that even though there is nearly unwavering acceptance of most rules — at least the ones of on-field decorum, as opposed to just dumb hazing of rookies and such — most of the players Kurkjian talks to sort of realize that they’re, well, silly and often contradictory. Or that they can be. It’s one of the more striking examples of simultaneously holding conflicting thoughts: “this is just, well, something we do for some reason” and “OF COURSE we adhere to it.”

As a person who doesn’t do particularly well in the conformity department — and as someone who has encountered some amount of trouble in his life because of it — I hold two simultaneously conflicting thoughts too: of totally not understanding how guys put up with all of this silliness while also rather admiring them for having a code, however convoluted, and sticking to it. I say in all honesty and zero snark that it’s admirable in a way, even if I couldn’t adhere to it myself.

Of course my admiration of it only goes so far. I don’t much care for belligerent enforcement of the unwritten rules a la Brian McCann and Gerrit Cole. And while even a Carlos Gomez/Yasiel Puig-lover like me will admit that hot dogging can go too far, I feel like most hot dogging is hilarious rather than offensive. Take this hypothetical example Kurkjian gives a few players about some bad on-field behavior and their uniform reaction to how it would be accepted:

Several years ago, Joe Horn, a wide receiver for the New Orleans Saints, scored a touchdown, pulled out a cell phone that he had taped inside the goal post, and made a call, or at least pretended to.

“And no one in football cared!” Baker says. “If that had happened in baseball … if someone had hit a home run, reached home plate, took a cell phone out of his stirrup and called someone, he wouldn’t finish the phone call. There would be balls flying into both dugouts. It would be like a Cuban winter-ball game, with guys running around with bats in their hands. Oh my God, the world would stop spinning on its axis. The ice caps would melt.”

McCarthy laughs and says, “Oh my God, he would never get to home plate. Bats would be tomahawking out of both dugouts. Where would a player hide a cell phone, under a base?”

McGehee says, “The game would never get to the next hitter. It would be so ugly.”

Says the Tigers’ Torii Hunter, “That would start the greatest brawl in major league history. I would drop my glove, chase the guy down, and beat the s— out of him. And I’d do the same thing if he was on my team. The camera shot would be of his entire team, piled on top of him, pummeling him. I hope that never happens in baseball.”

Personally, I’d laugh my friggin’ head off and have myself a new favorite player. But like I said: I have some trouble with this stuff.

 

Court hears arguments for releasing 38 Studios records

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PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) The fight over whether to release secret grand jury records in the criminal investigation into Rhode Island’s $75 million deal with a video game company started by former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling landed in a courtroom Wednesday before a judge who will decide whether to release them.

Gov. Gina Raimondo is pushing for the records in the 38 Studios investigation to be released, over the opposition of Attorney General Peter Kilmartin. The records include transcripts of witness grand jury testimony, which is given behind closed doors and is typically kept secret.

Schilling moved 38 Studios to Providence from Massachusetts in 2010 in exchange for a $75 million loan guarantee. It ran out of money and went bankrupt less than two years later. The legal wrangling since then has included a lawsuit against a number of parties that ultimately settled for a total of about $61 million, and a grand jury that concluded its work in 2015.

Kilmartin’s office did not ask it to return any criminal charges and has said prosecutors determined there was not enough evidence for any charges.

Assistant Attorney General Susan Urso argued to Superior Court Judge Alice Gibney on Wednesday that the public interest lies in maintaining grand jury secrecy.

“To grant the governor’s request would eviscerate the grand jury as we know it,” she said.

Future grand jury witnesses may see the release in this case and consider that their own testimony might eventually become public, she said. She argued that the request did not meet one of the narrow exceptions carved out in the law that allows disclosure of some grand jury material.

Raimondo’s lawyer, Jeremy Licht, argued that it was not a case where the records are being sought simply to satisfy curiosity about what happened.

“The 38 Studios saga really shook the public’s faith in their government,” he said. “This is a case where disclosure can restore public confidence.”

Jared Goldstein, a law professor at Roger Williams University, who was representing the Rhode Island chapter of the ACLU, argued in favor of disclosure. He called it a rare case, and noted that it involves public policy and the highest levels of state government, all the way up to the governor’s office.

Then-Gov. Donald Cariceri, a Republican, shepherded the deal with Schilling through. The Democratic-controlled General Assembly approved the legislation that paved the way for it. Kilmartin was a Democratic member of the House at the time. The company ran out of money under the watch of then-independent Gov. Lincoln Chafee, who opposed the deal when it was struck.

“Sunshine, as the old saying goes, is the best disinfectant,” Goldstein said.

He also cast doubt on the risk of public embarrassment, saying the players in the matter are already well known.

The judge didn’t immediately rule or say when a ruling would come.

Blue Jays-Cardinals game postponed due to our minds being blown over Chris Coghlan

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The St. Louis Cardinals’ game against the Toronto Blue Jays for has been postponed because everyone is still trying to recover from Chris Coghlan jumping over Yadier Molina.

Wait, no, that’s not right. It’s been postponed due to rain.

The game has been rescheduled as part of a day-night doubleheader on Thursday.

Now, let’s go back and watch that again: