DirectTV jackass

Deep Thoughts: Playoff commercials edition

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Because I DVR almost everything I watch on TV and 90% of my regular season baseball watching occurs on MLB.tv, the only time I ever really watch commercials is during the playoffs.  And, as anyone who has watched a lot of playoff commercials this fall knows, a handful of them are on HEAVY rotation.

This is pretty pointless — and yes, I realize that I’m half-talking out of my butt here as I don’t know jack about advertising beyond whatever I picked up while watching “Mad Men” — but here are some random postseason commercial observations:

The DirectTV ads may be the most nihilistic and depressing things ever.  The ones in the “don’t wind up in a roadside ditch” campaign are bad enough: they are basically telling you that any attempt to do anything besides watch TV will lead to bodily injury. But at least they core point of that — become a slave to your TV! — is in keeping with their corporate interests.  They’re a TV company, so of course they want you watching, so I cut that a little slack.

But the new spot is something else. You know which one I’m talking about: the woman who gets out of the shower to see the big DVR message in her bathroom, only to have her tooth-brushing husband offer all kinds of acidic and crappy remarks back at her (“well, at least somebody gets to …”):

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At least the guy who ends up injured in a roadside ditch will find some modicum of safe, depressing contentment if he gets rid of cable. The tooth-brushing guy, however, is gonna be a miserable, passive aggressive sonofabitch even if his family does switch over to DirectTV.  The worst part: the newest ad has him talking to his kid. Great, not only is he in a bitter and loveless marriage, but there are kids involved. Thanks DirectTV! Where can I go kill myself?

In a more subtle form of anti-marketing, the Taco Bell Cantina bowl commercials perplex me a bit.  I get what they’re doing — expanding their menu and going after Chipotle and the like — but it strikes me that there is no brand stronger in fast food than Taco Bell’s “come here and eat cheap tasty stuff that may not be good for you but by god it’s gonna make you happy” brand.  When I see a chef in an impossibly well-appointed kitchen, poring over fresh ingredients and telling me that “you won’t BELIEVE it’s Taco Bell!” I feel like they are abandoning their core stoner/blogger/Taco Bell-loving demographic.  And I’m not alone in this:

Consider it an opportunity lost.

I do like one thing about those Taco Bell ads: the way Lorena Garcia says “avocados” and “guacamole.” Not gonna lie: I look forward to that.  But one effect it does have is to put the actual avocado commercials — “that’s BUSH LEAGUE, BRO!” — into sharp, horrible relief. They’ve been around forever, and they’re beyond tired. The ballplayer in them is probably retired and nearly eligible for the Hall of Fame now. All I can think is that the avocado industry is so hard up right now that they can only film new commercials every five years and that, by rerunning them all the time, they’re banking on us becoming so sick of that ad that we feel compelled to buy more guacamole simply so that they get more money to produce new ones.

Hey handsome:

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I have no idea what to think about these ads. I am not a rum drinker at all and can’t see how I ever will be, but I kinda like them. And that “You Rascal You” song from the one they play most of the time is actually pretty bitchin’.  Easily the best “stumble upon a song you didn’t really know about and then end up liking on its own terms” commercial since that Volkswagon ad that featured Nick Drake’s “Pink Moon” back in 1999.

Still, I feel like the woman who the Captain takes out of that party is a bit fickle.  She is understandably creeped out by the old guy in the powdered wig with whom she’s dancing, but is this guy any less creepy?

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I dunno. I’m more for quiet gatherings in the first place, so maybe I’m taking it too easy on the dude from the dance.

Anyway, that’s all I got for now. Tune in next year when we celebrate the ten year anniversary of “HER HIS FATHER IS THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY!”  Hoping they bring that one back.

UPDATE:  Forgot one!  The Samsung Galaxy III commercial that makes fun of the people on line at the Apple store.  The one I like the most is the “the headphone jack is going to be on the BOTTOM …[speshhhew!!]” guy.  I don’t know why I like him. I like to imagine that he’s going to become like Henry “Are we have fun yet??!!!” Pollard on “Party Down.”

As for the campaign itself: good luck, Samsung. It reminds me — and this will date me a bit — of the IBM OS2 Warp operating system commercials from 1995.  They were kind of funny and clever and took aim at Microsoft and its slightly delayed introduction of Windows 95.  Those commercials will always live in my memory, but if you can find one person who was really using OS2 Warp after Windows 95 came out you were a better man than I.

Aroldis Chapman will rejoin the Yankees on Monday

New York Yankees relief pitcher Aroldis Chapman goes into his windup against the Toronto Blue Jays during the fifth inning of a spring training baseball game Thursday, March 10, 2016, in Tampa, Fla. (AP Photo/Chris O'Meara)
AP Photo/Chris O'Meara
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Yankees reliever Aroldis Chapman was suspended 30 games by Major League Baseball under its domestic violence policy for an offseason incident in which he allegedly pushed and choked his girlfriend, then discharged a firearm at least eight times in his garage. Monday marks game number 30, and Chapman is set to rejoin the club then, MLB.com’s Bryan Hoch reports. Manager Joe Girardi plans to insert Chapman directly into the closer’s role if a save situation arises against the Royals on Monday.

Chapman will make two appearances in the Gulf Coast League this week to continue warming up. He had been throwing in extended spring training games at the Yankees’ complex in Tampa.

The Yankees acquired Chapman from the Reds at the end of December, sending Caleb Cotham, Rookie Davis, Eric Jagielo, and Tony Renda to Cincinnati in return. While the back end of the bullpen hasn’t been an issue for the Yankees, seemingly everything else has for the 8-15, last place club.

Hunter Harvey to undergo sports hernia surgery

Baltimore Orioles pitchers Chris Tillman, left, and Harvey Hunter (62) watch Brian Matusz throw a bullpen session during a spring training baseball workout in Sarasota, Fla., Monday, Feb. 23, 2015.  (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)
AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar
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Orioles pitching prospect Hunter Harvey will undergo sports hernia surgery this week, Eduardo A. Encina of the Baltimore Sun reports. He’ll be out of action for the next four to six weeks as a result.

Harvey suffered a groin strain during a minor league spring training game last month and reaggravated it during an extended spring training game last Thursday. A specialist found a tear which requires surgery to mend.

The 21-year-old Harvey remains the prospect in the Orioles’ minor league system (according to MLB Pipeline) despite not having advanced past the Single-A level. He last pitched in a regular season game on July 25, 2014. The right-hander has suffered a litany of injuries in the time since, including an elbow issue and a fractured leg.

The Potomac Nationals will play a triple-header on Wednesday

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On Monday, the Potomac Nationals were slated to play the Lynchburg Hillcats in a match-up of two Single-A teams. The game, however, was suspended in the fifth inning. The goal was to play a double-header on Tuesday — a nine-inning game followed by a seven-inning game.

Tuesday’s double-header, however, was postponed due to wet grounds. So the Nationals and Hillcats will play a triple-header on Wednesday starting at 3:00 PM EDT. The suspended game will be resumed in the fifth inning and then the two sides will play two seven-inning games, per the Potomac Nationals.

That, well, is something. Minor leaguers don’t get paid enough to play 19 innings (at least) in one day.

Brian Cashman on Yankees’ slow start: “Some leashes might be shorter than others.”

New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman watches live batting practice during a spring training baseball workout Monday, Feb. 22, 2016, in Tampa, Fla. (AP Photo/Chris O'Meara)
AP Photo/Chris O'Meara
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Yankees GM Brian Cashman isn’t exactly thrilled with the way his team has played over the first 23 games. The Yankees were swept by the division rival Red Sox over the weekend, running their losing streak to five games and sending their record down to 8-15, good for last place in the AL East.

As David Waldstein reports for the New York Times, Cashman says he may be forced to make some changes soon. “There’s only so long you can allow it to go on before tinkering. But it just needs to stop,” Cashman said.

Cashman continued:

“I’ve done this job a long time and I put this roster together,” Cashman said. “I feel it’s significantly better than it has performed, and when it doesn’t perform up to expectations over the course of time, I have a history of making changes. I would rather not go that route, but when you are forced to do so, you are forced to do so.”

Who have been the biggest contributors to the Yankees’ demise?

Cashman said, “Some leashes might be shorter than others.”

Headley likely has the shortest leash. Utilityman Ronald Torreyes has hit well, boasting an .875 in a limited sample of 24 plate appearances, but he could cut into Headley’s playing time at third base if Headley can’t figure things out. Outfield prospect Aaron Judge could get called up. Outfielder Aaron Hicks, who has taken only 28 PA thus far, could also be in line for more playing time.