I’m generally not a person who regrets things. Rare are the times when I’ve done something and later said “wow, that was a big mistake.” I mean, yes, things go bad sometimes, but even when they do I tend to try to find the good in it, even if it’s just a life lesson. I’m optimistic like that.
But I really, really hate myself for watching the new VH1 reality show “Baseball Wives” last night. Like, my self-loathing is at 11. I’ve taken three showers and I still can’t get the stench off.
For those of you unaware — and if you are unaware, consider yourself lucky — “Baseball Wives” is your standard “let’s put a bunch of crazy people together” reality show, but this one features the wives and girlfriends of ballplayers. Sort of. Some of them are the ex-wives and girlfriends. Those who aren’t exes are attached to guys who don’t play anymore.
We have Anna Benson, wife of Kris. Tanya Grace, ex-wife of Mark. Chantel Kendell, ex-wife of Jason. Brooke Villone, wife of Ron. Erika Williams, wife of Matt. And Jordana Lenz, who once dated Nyjer Morgan.
Most of us are familiar with Anna Benson, who was famous for her lad-mag photo shoots and for once going on Howard Stern and telling him that if Kris Benson were to cheat on her she’d sleep with the entire roster of the New York Mets. Obviously I’ve been secretly in love with her as a result of all of this for some some time. For those who care, the years have not been particularly kind of Ms. Benson. Most notably her voice, which sounds like a mix between a car without a muffler and Harvey Fierstein. You’ve heard someone’s voice described as “smoky?” Benson sounds like she huffed a coal-burning power plant.
The others are just some very crazy and/or very sad overly-made-up, overly-plastic surgeried drama queens. Ron Villone’s wife seems the most normal, which means she’ll probably be kicked off the show soon. Nyjer Morgan’s ex-girlfriend is a hot mess and, though we’ve joked about it in the past, may be proof positive that Tony Plush has serious mental problems. Or, actually, given that he broke up with her, maybe he’s totally sane. Hard to say. Grace and Williams’ wives are likely on the show because, since it’s set in Scottsdale, the Diamondbacks are probably obligated to send representatives.
I don’t watch a lot of reality shows, but the dynamics seem to be pretty par for the course: manufactured drama. Dropping unstable people into contrived situations. Probably a lot of drinks to get people talking nonsense. From what I can tell from people who see more of this than I do, this was on the extreme end of trashy for the genre, though. Random highlights:
- A brief cameo by Kyle Farnsworth’s wife. Which established that, holy moly, Kyle Farnsworth actually married a human woman;
- Anna Benson buying furs. In Phoenix. And talking about how she loves animals, especially when they’re killed, gutted and put into a stole;
- “Baseball wives are generally bi****es” — One of the baseball wives;
- Nyjer Morgan’s ex talking about how she hopes she doesn’t run into Morgan while the Brewers were in Arizona for the playoffs and then going to the hotel where the Brewers were staying;
- Nyjer Morgan’s ex taking off her clothes and dancing on tables. Twice.
- Nyjer Morgan’s ex saying that she put up with him through the hell of losing in Pittsburgh and Washington and now he’s all big time since he got to Milwaukee;
- Gleeman texting me during the show and telling me that he’s in love with Chantel Kendall. I sort of hope he wasn’t being sarcastic, but I’m not sure;
- Chantel Kendall — who may be the biggest train wreck of the lot — talking about how she used to be verbally abused in past relationships. She’s been married twice so it may not have been Kendall who did it, but I really hate it when ugly reality intrudes on ugly reality shows. Kind of cast a legit pall on the proceedings for me;
- It was saved somewhat, however, when I realized about 40 minutes in that Anna Benson — Anna Benson! — was probably the most stable person on the show and will be providing the voice of reason going forward. This is just … I have no idea.
In sum: There is good. There is bad. There is so bad it’s good. Then there is kill it with fire and then kill myself bad. That’s baseball wives.
Can’t wait until the next episode.