As you may have seen on HBT Daily, I asked people on Twitter for questions they’d like to have answered. I got way more than the handful I answered on the video, however, and I hate to have them go to waste, so let’s clean out the inbox, shall we? And remember, these are actual questions from actual readers. If they weren’t, David Letterman couldn’t wiggle those blue cards of his:
Q: Would you rather sit on the Supreme Court or run the Braves?
The Supreme Court. Because I’m too afraid to negotiate with Jason Heyward. He can’t be bargained with. Can’t be reasoned with …
Q: Who is you favorite Met?
Q: If you were commish for day and were tasked with creating competitive balance, what would you change?
I’d impose a more equitable share of local TV money, realign into two leagues with no divisions, impose a perfectly balanced schedule and have the top four (or six or whatever people agree on) make the playoffs. I don’t know if that would work, but it would please me.
Q: Macaroni or spaghetti? Burgers or hotdogs? Sex or baseball? Vanilla or chocolate? Marijuana or heroin? Superman or Batman?
Spaghetti, burgers, sex, chocolate, I’m a clean cut American man who gets high on life, and Batman. Like there was any question about Batman.
Q: Jersey Shore, America? Really?
Q: Is this the worst thing written on Manny yet? It must be close.
It’s bad, but I’m waiting for Manny’s Hall of Fame eligibility to come up. I think we’ll be into “Manny committed war crimes” territory then.
Q: If you could have dinner with one famous cartoon character, who would it be?
Bugs Bunny when he was dressed up like the girl bunny. Wait. I said that in my out loud voice, didn’t I.
Q: Year the cubs win the WS? against who?
2015. Starlin Castro wins the MVP. They beat the Royals. The networks vow to fix things going forward so no Midwest team ever reaches the World Series again.
Q: Can you tell me why an error can’t be charged on a sure double play that is missed?
As the old saying goes, “to ASSUME the double play makes an ASS out of U and the second baseman who got weak in the knees when the runner from first was barreling down on him when he made the throw.”
Q: Team the mets will get their first no-no against?
The Mars Marauders, following the expansion.
Q: More likely to be remembered forever: Buckner or Dent?
Buckner, because the F-word will be outlawed in the year 2124, thereby eliminating the device by which most people remember Dent’s name.
Q: Do you like your grits regular, creamy or al dente?
Regular. And I prefer home fries.
Q: Why would he kill the sheriff but leave the deputy unharmed?
Hey, the deputy never hated him. Actually helped him out in his garden. Besides, it wasn’t totally planned. Reflexes got the best of him.
Q: What if god was one of us? Just a stranger on the bus…
You sayin’ God is just a stranger on the bus? A slob like one of us? Them’s fightin’ words! And speaking of blasphemy:
Q: Is Sam Fuld the new Jesus?
No. But I will say this much: Like Jesus, by the age of 33, Fuld will have moved on to a different career.
Q: What blogger can you totally dominate in the octagon?
Neyer. I consider him my primary mentor in this business, and everyone knows that one day the student must rise up and do battle with his own sensei. But even as I stand over his lifeless form, I will proclaim that I am not his equal and demand that you bury him with honor. Then I shall walk into the distance to the sound of a lonely pan flute.
And … scene.