Charlie Manuel suspended for bumpin' an ump

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Phillies’ skipper Charlie Manuel argued balls and strikes with world’s worst umpire C.B. Bucknor on Tuesday night, his hat apparently brushed Bucknor’s head and now Manuel has been suspended for one game for “aggressive
arguing and inappropriate contact.”

Whatever. C.B. Bucknor couldn’t call a strike on the strikingest day of his life with an electrified strike machine, so he deserved Manuel getting all up in his business. The only thing I can’t figure out is how Bucknor even saw Cholly’s cap hit his head.

For his part, Manuel has issued a statement about the incident:*

Boy howdy, I’m not one to get sore, but when this wise guy tried to give me the high hat I was seein’ red.  So’s I start in, see, and he comes back with his “ya betta watchyaself, Cholly” rebob, and that’s when I flipped my lid. The last person who told me to watch myself was my ‘ma, and last I peeped, this eephus wasn’t sweet and wonderful like she was, so I called applesauce on the palooka’s jive, ya follow?

Lord love a duck, but if givin’ C.B. Bucknor the business is wrong I don’t wanna be right.  As for the suspension, I’ll dangle for a game in Pittsburgh just swell. Yinzers is my kind of people anyways. Give me some free time there any day of the week and twice on Sunday, and I can do things up just jake, see?

That’s all I got boys, the train’s leaving.

*This statement was relayed psychically, only to me, via the little voice in Charlie Manuel’s head that says the things I like to imagine him saying.

Miguel Montero to be designated for assignment

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A play in three acts:

I.

Miguel Montero talks smack about his teammate

II.

A team leader talks smack about Miguel Montero

III.

The Cubs get rid of Miguel Montero:

This is rather surprising. As I said in the last post, I figured he’d apologize today and it’d all be in the past. Guess not. Even more surprising: we learned earlier this week that the key to good clubhouse chemistry is having a teammate everyone hates. Guess that only works for the Giants.

Montero is making $14 million this season, so the Cubs are definitely eating some money to make a headache go away. They’re also losing some offensive production, as Montero has hit a nice .286/.366/.439 on the season. His terrible defense against opposing baserunners mitigates that, of course. And the whole “pissing off everyone in the clubhouse” thing isn’t exactly working out for him either, so here we are.

Oh well, have a good one, Miguel.

We now have photographic proof that Tom Ricketts and Ted Cruz are different people

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A lot of people think they have a double walking around someplace on Earth. They may actually be right. We have an example of this in baseball and politics.

Cubs owner Tom Ricketts looks a lot like Texas senator Ted Cruz. Or, since Ricketts is older, I guess Cruz looks like Ricketts. Either way, they could play brothers if someone put on, like, the worst ever production of some play about brothers.

If you’re not familiar with one or both of those guys, take a gander at the photo that was taken of the two of them in Washington this morning as the Cubs made the rounds with their World Series trophy:

If they put those rings together, Tom can turn into any animal and Ted can turn into anything made out of water. True story.