In Missouri, opium not as bad as steroids

Leave a comment

Let this be a lesson to you children: If you take steroids, you will never have a highway named after you.

In the wake of Mark McGwire’s admission that he took performance enhancing drugs, the Missouri Senate has decided that the stretch of I-70 in St. Louis – which runs near a stadium named after a beer company, by the way – should no longer be known as Mark McGwire Highway.

The bill, which would also name sections of other highways after noted (and presumably non-doping) Missourians, was passed by unanimous vote on Monday. It will now move to the House to waste yet more taxpayer dollars.

The hard part of this whole endeavor, of course, will be deciding whose names to put on all these highways.

Republican Sen. Kurt Schaefer of Columbia asked if those getting the honors were alive or dead. Schaefer says it might be wise to name roads only for the deceased, because they can’t do something worth changing the name over one day.

So there is a ray of hope for McGwire should he turn his life around in his remaining days on Earth. It’s also a practical plan, as dead people rarely go out of their way to ruin reputations, including their own.

The Senate proposes that the McGwire Highway should instead be named after Mark Twain, the legendary and beloved writer who was … ummm … also known to … err … frequent opium dens in San Francisco.

*Awkward silence*

Uh oh. Crap. Now what? Don’t tell anyone about that.

Are you on Twitter? You can follow Bob here, and get all your HBT updates here.

Rockies sign Ian Desmond for five years, $70 million

ARLINGTON, TX - OCTOBER 07:  Ian Desmond #20 of the Texas Rangers reacts after hitting a double against the Toronto Blue Jays in the seventh inning of game two of the American League Divison Series at Globe Life Park in Arlington on October 7, 2016 in Arlington, Texas.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Getty Images
Leave a comment

The Rockies have signed free agent outfielder/infielder Ian Desmond for five years and $70 million.

Desmond, 31, played his first season as a full-time outfielder with the Rangers in 2016. Before that he was the Nationals shortstop. He’ll almost certainly be an outfielder in Colorado, or else will play first base, as the Rockies have Trevor Story at short. Desmond hit .285/.335/.446 with 22 home runs, 86 RBI, 107 runs scored, and 21 stolen bases in 677 plate appearances, though he was much, much better in the first half than the second half.

The Rangers had placed a qualifying offer on him which he rejected, so the Rockies will have to give up their first round pick in the 2017 draft, which is 11th overall. That’s the highest pick a team can surrender under the qualifying offer system, as the first ten picks in the draft are protected.

Jeff Locke signed by the Marlins

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 13: Relief pitcher Jeff Locke #49 of the Pittsburgh Pirates throws against the Los Angeles Dodgers during the eighth inning of the baseball game at Dodger Stadium Stadium August 13, 2016, in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)
Getty Images
Leave a comment

Ken Rosenthal reports that the Marlins have signed lefty Jeff Locke. Terms have yet to be disclosed.

Locke was non-tendered by the Pirates last week after putting up a 5.44 ERA over 127.3 innings in 2016. He’s just 29 and, even if he’s never been super great or anything, he has pitched better in the past, posting a career 4.16 ERA before last season.